i'm tired of always feeling this way. feeling like i'm not good enough for anyone. this is the reason why i'm still single. besides not really finding the right guy, i suppose.

even though i've had plenty of chances with different guys, i always mess it up somehow. i just feel like i'm not good enough to be someone's girlfriend. i don't know when or why this started happening. i never used to feel or think this way.

i just don't understand how anyone can like me. it makes me depressed alot to feel like this. i guess i just see myself a certain way. i see my flaws above everything else.

i am my own worst enemy.

i used to love myself. i never felt this way before now and i don't know how to deal with it or to change the way i think. i mean, there are alot of things about myself i like. but whenever i start thinking about liking someone or wanting to date someone, or whenever i start talking to someone, all those negative thoughts come rushing back.

i start thinking about all my flaws and all the dumb stuff i do. then i get self-conscious. like they will think everything i say, do, or think is stupid. i doubt myself alot.

so how do i fix this problem? well i've started to say and do things that i think other people want me to say and do. i don't think for myself anymore. i haven't for a long time now. i do and say what i think others expect and want.

i have no idea how this mess all started to it keeps getting worse. this is one of the main reasons why i can't get emotionally close to anyone. besides the fact that i'm not emotionally close with my own father so i treat every guy i date like hes my dad. but thats not even the main reason.

its all in my head. i think everyone thinks i'm stupid and that everything i do is stupid and that they make fun of me. so who in the world would want a dumb girl like that? guys want a confident girl. the girl i used to be but no longer am.

i've lost that girl. and i'm trying desperately to find her again.

the stress is lifting slowly. i just have a test tonight and one tomorrow. i feel so suffocated. i finally started my period today too i think. its like a wieght off my shoulders.

i can't wait for spring break. i just need a little time to breathe and regroup. i need to finish out the semster strong. i've also realized something. i'm trying way too hard in school right now. when i don't try, or atleast not try so hard that i'm wigging out, i do a lot better.

i used to be decent in school. i never let it stress me out and i never cried over grades. i did what i could, i did my homework, and got everything turned in on time. i showed up to class on time, never skipped hardly. and i got decent grades that way.

i'm not one of those people who have a study all the time just to get a C. i study here and there, but mostly i retain the info by just doing my homework which i havent been doing lately. i just need to take a chill pill. once i'm back on birth control my emotions will be less extreme.

its sad i have to take meds to my control and handle my own emotions. i'm not bipolar but i do have some bipolar tendancies. especially around that time of the month. my mother and grandfather are both bipolar so i have the recessive gene.

i just need to regroup and i know it will all be better soon.

i think i'm ready for a change. i mean a major change. i think i'm finally ready to go away for college. about time. but i just really feel like its the best move. i'm super excited about it.

i just hope this is the best decision for me. but i want this so bad that i'm scared i won't get accepted. i'm going to keep trying until i get in but still... i'm just scared this isn't a good idea or isn't right for me.

but everything inside is telling me it is. its not a question of being ready. i know i am ready. but i'm worried that i'm doing it for the wrong reasons. even though i don't think i am. i mean i love ball state. i love the campus, the people, the town.

ahliah told me they have an amazing nursing program. don't get me wrong i like ivy tech and everything but i'm ready to be more on my own i think. and not like before when i moved out last year. i wasn't ready then and i did it for all the wrong reasons.

this is different. i think i'll be ok moving this time. i know i'll be home sick sometimes but not like i was before. and plus this is a school setting so it will be easier to concentrate instead of living with someone who doesnt go to school and has a ton of free time. these people will be busy like i am.

i just always doubt myself and my decisions. i never used to be this way but since most of my decisions i've been making this past year have been bad or didn't turn out how i had anticipated, i constantly doubt myself now. but this feels right.

i guess if it's meant to be, it will be.